Author: Dr. Mark D. Flattery 

Chapter Three

The Defensive Strategy

 

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (I Corinthians 10:13).

 

It was to my utter amazement that Champ found the inner strength to get off the canvass that night and stagger into his corner. Immediately, his manager frantically checked his vital signs to ensure that his protégé was mentally interacting with reality. He tried to gain the athlete’s attention to discuss strategy but was unable to do so initially because Champ began ranting at his opponent from across the ring in a language that I had never heard. I thought it not only strange but also foolish that the boxer would waste precious time on blaming the ref and taunting his opponent. He should have used those few valuable moments to analyze how he opened himself to a potential knockout blow and then considered how to implement a defensive strategy to avoid getting his face pounded into the canvass again.

Apparently, the manager and I were on the same page. Though I could not communicate in his language, I did not need a translator to interpret the manager’s message. He gritted his teeth, got nose to nose and eyeball to eyeball to the boxer, and shouted so loudly that his face turned bright crimson and his spit flew indiscriminately. His impassioned plea was so forceful that it gained the attention of everyone seated in the stands. It even caused the man seated in

front of me to double over as he began to choke on his beetle nut juice. Champ turned immediately and focused on his mentor. This tactic worked as the boxer starred back at his manager and nodded his head in agreement three times.

The bell rang to start round four. Champ leaped from his stool with new found energy and anticipation. He had taken the Destroyer’s best blow and survived.

It only took a few exchanges for me to realize that Champ had learned quickly from his mistakes and was a different boxer. It was as if someone flipped a switch as he morphed from being a puncher into a fighter. Lady momentum just switched sides.

 

You were knocked to the canvass of life by a punch that caught you by surprise. Probably, you should have seen it coming and in fact, deep down you knew the possibility of an attempted knock out blow was there. But, it was a surprise nonetheless. Now, you must regain your senses and stand for the battle can be won! You do not have to stay down. This tragedy does not have to define you.

If you are like me, then your inclination is to ask, “what just happened?” As you relive the episode of the “train wreck” to your friends, you will probably rehash in great detail the events that caused you pain and specifically the vile behavior and malevolent motives of your offender. There is a period of time for you to do this. However, if you continue to focus your heart and mind on your offender and the tragic offense then that period will soon become a season and it will begin to define you. You cannot live fully in the present or hope in the future if you are chained to the past.

The first step to win the battle is to regain your balance by recovering from the past. It is like the boxer in our story who ceased his incessant blaming of the referee and his opponent but instead focused inwardly to learn from his mistakes and to implement a new strategy. Let’s

consider this in another way. Before you can enforce your will offensively, you must first discover impenetrable defensive tactics or you will suffer a subsequent blow. That hit could prove to be the knock out punch; one from which you will never recover.

Thankfully, your quest for a classic defense was detailed already in the New Testament book of James. In chapter four, James discusses the reasons for fighting and quarreling in the church. Believers proclaimed that they were disciples of Christ but their actions revealed that they were instead friends with “the world.” He called the saints to back away from their personal battles and vendettas and to focus instead on God. I believe that James’ admonition to his readers presents a priceless defensive strategy for you to implement personally.

James 4:7-10 is a strong call for you to focus on you first. Then and only then will you be prepared to launch a counter-attack. You must reposition yourself in your walk with the Lord and shine the spotlight inwardly so that you can learn from your personal drama and emerge in victory as a better person. “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it” (James 4:7-11a).

These eleven directives are the linchpin in your recovery and will springboard you to a strategic pathway to a victorious life.

 

#1 Submit yourselves, then, to God.

Submit does not mean just to allow God to speak into your life. It does not mean only that you will now start to obey fully his commands. Submit means to empty yourself completely

of everything that comprises “you” and be like a person dying of thirst and craving water. You must seek then to be filled with the presence of God in your heart and mind.

It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same action repeatedly and yet expecting a different result. Another saying is that you cannot use the same mindset to solve a problem as the mindset that created the problem. You tried to find your sense of balance on your terms and in your way. But, like a people group wandering in the desert in circles for forty years, your efforts were futile and brought no lasting results.

Doubling your efforts, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, and using mind games like refusing to deal with reality and think only positive thoughts have all fallen short of the joy and peace that you desire so clearly. You can even set new boundaries with rules and regulations. While that may have a short term impact, it lacks a lasting effect. Colossians 2:23 says, “Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.” All of these efforts will not produce the lasting change that you need because you are still trying to be in control and manipulate life to obtain your desired outcome.

It is now time to try a different approach. It’s time to give your problem, your burden, and your pain over to the One who is infinitely able to deal with your situation and place you on His road to fulfilling the destiny He has for you. It is time to submit to God.

Submission means that you will empty your will, your pride, and your desires and seek to be filled to overflowing with the presence of God. Ask that His kingdom come and His will be done in your life. Play by His rules. Live by His standards. Seek His Will for your life and for the lives of all those you influence. Like the apostle Paul declare, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the

Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20). This is what it means to submit.

I know that we not had the pleasure of meeting in person. However, if you will allow me to make a point with emphasis then I will tell you this: If you are not willing to submit completely to God then you are doomed to an endless cycle of reliving the past and playing the role of the wounded victim. You will be a modern version of Sisyphus, a character in Greek mythology who I mentioned earlier. Remember, his punishment was to roll a huge boulder up a hill only to see it roll back again. This was repeated for the rest of eternity. This nightmare can be broken by submitting your heart, mind, and will to Jesus and asking Him to take control of your life.

I suggest that you read Psalms 139:23-24 now and offer it as a prayer to the Lord. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (NIV).

 

#2 Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Once you take a stand for God there is nothing that the devil can do except to flee. The devil cannot be around people who are submitted fully to God. There is nothing that drives him crazy more than a person who loves God more than life itself. When you refuse to play by the devil’s rules, when you seek to be committed totally to God, and when you refuse to get revenge and to hurt those who hurt you then the only action left for the devil to do is to flee for his life and seek to fight another day. Like Joshua, you can declare, “As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15).

Resisting the devil goes far beyond rebuking him or say, “I resist you” even though you have good intentions. Resisting the devil requires the self-discipline to say “No!” to the devil’s

temptation and doubts and to respond instead with thoughts and actions that are righteous. Let’s consider the idea of revenge as an example.

You may have been tempted to respond initially to the one who hurt you by attempting to hurt him or her even more. The temptation may be so strong that you are forced to fight an internal battle about whether or not to react in a way that the world would deem appropriate. You may then be trapped in a mindset that such a reaction is not only justified but actually needed because you want to teach your offender “a lesson.” Suddenly, you go from being offended to being judge, jury, and executioner and then, of all things, your revenge quest causes you to be the offender. This downward spiral of offended to offender leads to vendettas and cause everyone to lose. It becomes a classic “lose-lose” situation!

But James tells us to end that cycle that can only lead to tragedy by resisting the devil. You can resist by acting righteously. We will go into greater detail about acting righteously later in this book but for now, I will mention that acting righteously means that you will do the right action, for the right reason, for the right outcome, and for the glory of the right One. Here is a concise statement that you should remember in this situation: do what Jesus did.

Jesus resisted the devil by refusing to entertain the devil’s lies and then He spoke the Truth of God’s word. His response to the devil’s lies is in stark contrast to Eve’s response to the serpent in Genesis 3. The serpent asked her, “Did God really say …?” She considered the serpent’s argument as if it had validity and was seduced to not only eat the forbidden fruit but to give some to Adam as well. Jesus knew that the devil was the “father of lies” and that he is out to kill, maim, and destroy and so He refused to dialogue with him. The account of the temptation of Jesus by the devil, as seen in Matthew 4, records that Jesus responded immediately by quoting Scripture which is the Truth of God’s Word.

You must do as Jesus did in order to resist the devil. Do not do what the devil asks you to do even though every thought in your head and every strong emotion in your heart might be telling you to do so. Unclench your fist. Do not seek comfort from anyone that you know is inappropriate. Stop wasting hours deep into the night plotting revenge. Do not give in, give up, or do anything that you know you will later cause you shame, guilt, or fear. Instead, submit your heart’s emotions and your mind’s thoughts to God and respond righteously. Walk away. Keep your mouth shut. Do not aggravate or intensify the situation. In fact, respond biblically: turn the other cheek, if forced to go one mile then go two miles, and pray for those who persecute you.

At first, resisting the devil may go against your nature. But as you continue to resist him by refusing to do what he dictates and instead acting on your submission of your heart and mind to God, then you will discover that the devil will flee because he has no other course of action. He can only tempt you and cannot make you do what you do not want to do. He is a coward who will run away and attempt to ambush you in a weak moment at a later time.

 

#3 Come near to God and he will come near to you.

If you will move towards God you will find that He will move towards you. God loves you so much that He sent His only and only Son to pay the penalty of your sins by dying in your place. God the Father is seeking without hesitation to be in relationship with you. God the Son rose again on the third day and intercedes for you as He is before the Father. God the Holy Spirit is the Comforter who reveals the mind of Christ to us and intercedes on our behalf. God is looking for you! You must look for God!

The question then is just how close do you really want to get to God? When you go before the Lord you will discover quickly that all of your pretense, facades, and barriers that you built and place around yourself are meaningless before Him. God sees right through you. He

was and is and is to come. He knew you before you were born. He knows your thoughts before you think them. He goes behind you and before you; at the same time.

Your best course of action then is to be honest with Him and with yourself. Your “wisdom” is utter foolishness to the Lord. Your “righteousness” is like filthy rags. Acknowledge His greatness and fall at His feet. He is the Almighty. He is the Creator. You are the created. The more that you are willing to empty yourself of your pride and ego then the more space you will give for God.

The promise that God gave to King Solomon and the children of Israel is a promise for you: “if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land” (I Chronicles 7:14).

Now, let’s consider this from the perspective that you are humble before the Lord and you are seeking Him desperately! Be encouraged that God hears your prayers, He will stand with you, and He will never leave you or give up on you! The word of God through His prophet Jeremiah is another promise for you: “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13).

This is the point in your life when you must come to God as if your life depends on it. The reality is that your life does indeed depend on you finding and connecting with Him. So, turn off the television, get off the social networks of your computer, quit listening to any music that is not drawing you closer to God, walk away from relationships that are not Christ-centered, and get into the Word. That’s right; open your Bible and read.

Many of us in your situation have found great comfort and strength by reading aloud a Psalm as if it were our prayer to the Lord. You will be surprised at how God’s Word will vocalize what you are feeling in your heart right now. In fact, every book in the Bible will

resonant with your broken heart, will reveal the character of God, and will draw you close to Him. Psalm 25:16-21 is an excellent example:

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you” (NIV). Go near to the Lord and He will go near to you.

 

#4 Wash your hands, you sinners,

You may be a complete victim and did not deserve whatsoever to get hit in the mouth by life. However, this action requires your introspection. Did you do something that may have caused, or at least contributed to, your predicament? What could you have done differently? It is at this point that you must confess what you did, no matter how much or little it may be, and seek to restore that which was lost.

Washing you hands means that you will come clean before God. You will admit your past mistakes and seek His forgiveness. This action is vital to your recovery. If you hold back and refuse to be cleansed completely then you are doomed to failure.

The first step in washing your hands requires an honest assessment of your actions, and the inner strength to acknowledge your faults, in effort to get all aspects of your situation in the open before God. The point is not to assign blame and therefore gain a false sense of self-worth by putting down your offender. The idea is to identify areas of your weaknesses so that you can turn them over to Jesus, learn to act rightly, and to ensure that the past is not repeated.

Was there any truth to what your offender said? What did you do, if anything, that lead to your offender’s action or reaction to you? If you could rewind the story of your life, what would you do over? What should you learn from this incident so that it will not be repeated? These are the types of questions that you should ask yourself. I encourage you strongly to interact with a trusted counselor who knows how to touch the heart of God. Such an individual can be used by the Lord to sift through what is truth and falsehood, what is real and imagined, and then direct you to an evaluation through the filter of God’s Word.

Once you have identified your growth points then repent! Repenting does not mean that you say only that you are sorry. Repentance means that you admit your wrong actions or thoughts, that you apologize to God and to the one whom you offended, and that you then act rightly.

As an example, let’s say that you were fired from your work. You were humiliated by that action and you now face a financial crisis as you have a family to feed and a mortgage to meet. It might make you feel good to speak badly of your boss and to details his wrongdoings but, that feeling is temporary at best. A better action will be to consider the reasons given to you as to why you were released from your job, apologize, and diligently act in a manner that will benefit your company or will cause a new boss to hire you, should you be unable to return to your former place of employment. Remember that the only way to regain credibility is for your actions to represent your words.

As you are washing your hands by assessing honestly your situation and by repenting you must remember that you are accountable for your actions only. My counselor taught it to me this way, “Mark, you can eat only your piece of the pie of responsibility!” While there is truth to the fact that my actions caused a reaction, I cannot take full responsibility for the response by my offender for that is something only the offender can do. Just as I am accountable for my

reactions, no matter what is done to me, my offender is responsible for his or her reaction. This was a difficult lesson for me to learn! This is appropriate for those who are supposed to be responsible and accountable for their actions, of course, and does not apply to children. Jesus had harsh words for one who causes a little one who believes in Him to sin as seen in Matthew 18:5-6.

My inclination was to take the blame for my offender’s actions thinking that since I set in motion the chain of events then I must take responsibility for subsequent actions by all involved. However, in doing so, I was taking responsibility for actions for which I had no control and was inadvertently placing myself in the role of God.

Examples of such behavior are when the spouse who stayed thinks that if only he or she had done this better, or said that, or had not reacted so strongly that the wife or husband would not have turned to an affair and then separated and then divorced. We can waste so much emotional energy taking blame for the actions of others. In fact, we can wash only our hands and we cannot wash the hands of others. What we can do is to pray for our offender, release him or her to the Lord, and move forward by seeking the Lord and acting rightly.

 

#5 and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Purifying your heart is a key defensive tactic because it requires that you deal with your emotions and motives which are issues of your heart. While time may pass from the actual incident, the battle you face continually is a battle in your heart and mind. You may never “get over” what happened to you but you can learn to manage it by responding appropriately to the offense and then live in freedom.

Your fight now is to overcome the mind games, the battlefield in your mind. If you allow your emotions to be released unabated or seek to balance the scales of justice by your own

actions then you are doomed for even more pain and suffering. The truth is that instead of moving forward in victory, such actions will stymie your defensive strategy and you will be hit again and again before you can counter-attack.

You will be tempted strongly to get revenge on the one who hurt you and to response to the pain by reciprocating with intensity. You will play mind games by convincing yourself that you will be justified in doing so. But, the proper response in life to those who cause you great pain is not to gain revenge by responding in kind. The reason is because if you do then you will be trapped forever in an endless downward spiral of deceit, vendettas, and ultimately personal destruction. This is most definitely a “lose-lose” proposition.

If you seek revenge on your offender then there are two outcomes. First, the one who hurt you will move from being your offender to being your adversary. When you face your offender then you are positioned to be the victim at some level. But, when you face your adversary you move dangerously close to being judge, jury, and executioner and move from being the victim to being an offender in your own right. Once you toss aside the boundaries of right and wrong, in order to get your revenge, then you crossed a line morally that is very difficult, if not impossible, to find again.

The second outcome from taking justice into your own hands is you will respond to your offender with the same behavior that caused you pain. Do you really want to live and function in the depths of suffering where you were taken? When we were children we were taught that “two wrongs do not make a right” and that wisdom certainly applies here. Your hope of recovery does not lie in playing down to the level of your offender but by following the teachings of Jesus Christ and rising above the fray. This is the move, the only move that will allow you to regain your sense of balance and to find hope and peace again.

Revisiting in your mind over and over the episodes of your pain deep into the night not only wastes your emotional energy and causes you to lose sleep but, it is an unproductive exercise that offers no positive outcome. You cannot function rightly when you are outwardly playing by the rules of being a good Christian when inwardly your heart and your mind are plotting revenge. That is an example of being double-minded. Go look in the mirror right now and see who is looking back at you. The person you see is the only one that you are fooling. That person is you.

A positive response is to admit what you are feeling, allow yourself to feel that way for a time, and, if possible, express your emotions and motives to your trusted Christian counselor. Ask the Lord to help you gain control of your emotions and your motives. Then, focus your heart and your mind on a proper response from God’s Word; that which is righteous and true. Release these thoughts to the Lord and allow Him to do what He does best. He will bring you peace in the midst of life’s storm and He will balance the scales of justice according to His plan and time.

I know from experience that purifying your heart after getting hit in the mouth can be extremely difficult. My suggestion is that you address the issue one emotional attack at a time. The Lord will give you the strength to fight the feelings to lash back by developing your self-control and by replacing those feelings with thoughts and actions that will honor Him.

 

#6 Grieve

The book of James tells us that we are to then grieve what happened to us. Grieving, to me, is an inward adjustment to a traumatic loss. As we have stated, the loss is like being punched in the mouth by life. Relationships are betrayed, covenants and contracts are broken,

our lives are impacted by natural disasters or illness and the loss of your job are all examples of traumatic events that bring disaster to our lives.

Such loss demands an adjustment on our part. We cannot just collect the remnants of our lives and live as if nothing happened. You can try to ignore the need to make this adjustment or try to fill the void with other endeavors such as relationships, activities, or that which brings you pleasure, but at the end of the day such actions are postponing the inevitable encounter with the loss. A vital step in recreating, or rebuilding our lives, is to admit that the traumatic occurred and to deal with it in a healthy manner.

The grieving process is inward in that it involves the battlefield of our heart and mind. Your emotions and your will are influenced by the trauma and are tempted to function outside the boundaries of your belief system. These are the moments that you must gain control of your heart and mind by examining your situation and future behaviors through the filter of your relationship with the Lord and not based on the events that led to the trauma.

The bottom line is that you must allow yourself to grieve! One reason is that grieving your loss is actually a step towards recovery. You must deal with the ashes of your life before you can rebuild. Another reason is that if you do not allow yourself to grieve properly then at some point in your life your emotions and your intellect will express your internal pain in ways that will either hurt those around you or bring you more pain. For example, one day one of your children will do something that requires your parental response but instead of doing so in a manner befitting their behavior you respond with fiery anger. This then hurts the very one you love and breaks down that relationship. You are not responding rightly to the child but you allow their behavior to be a catalyst that sparks your internal anger that is simmering just below the surface of your emotions. It will be best for you in the long term to deal with your grief now

so that you can deal with it appropriately rather than to avoid the grief and have it seep out in ways that cause more pain and possible embarrassment.

We who were raised in first world nations often lack the background and the knowledge of how to grieve and the benefits of grieving. We tend to avoid grieving at all costs and liken it to a deadly disease. We are much better at celebrating our victories and shouting “we’re number 1!” than we are standing with a defeated one who is suffering in solitude.

Your pain hurts deeply. I do not deny what happened to you or the consequences that it has on your life. You must not deny this either! I believe that the book of James directs us to grieve because grieving helps us to acknowledge the events that knocked us down, it forces us to assess honestly our feelings and pain, and serves as a vital step to recovery once we interact with it genuinely.

Counselors tell us that there are at least five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You need to discuss the stages with your counselor so that you can understand you current mental, emotional, and spiritual state and then respond appropriately. I am not a trained counselor and so I will not go into detail about each of the stages of grief. However, I will make some comments about the grieving process that you should address.

First, the stages of the grieving process are not necessarily experienced in sequential order. Rather than moving from point A to point B and to point C you will discover that the stages come to you like ocean waves onto a beach. Sometimes the wave will bring one stage while at other times the waves will bring a different stage. So, do not be discouraged that just when you feel that you have overcome denial and moved on to anger that another wave of denial will hit you. The evil one will lie to you and attempt to cause you to doubt that you are making progress in your recovery process. He wants to lead you to negative self-talk and question whether or not your responses are bringing the desired result. Doubt will lead to

discouragement, discouragement leads to quitting, and quitting results in defeat. Just remember that there are times when the recovery process is addressed one layer at a time rather than all at once.

The encouraging aspect of the randomness of the waves of grief is that when you respond appropriately, that is to say to respond in a manner that honors Christ, then you will discover that the waves start to arrive at a decreased intensity and with less and less frequency. My advice to you is that rather than being discouraged by the reappearance of a grief stage, be encouraged that you now know how to respond in a Christ-like manner when it does arrive. This will allow you to pave new roads of responses rather than being trapped in the old ruts of despair.

The saying that that time heals all wounds implies that somehow the turning of the calendar will equip you to regain your life balance and move forward. There is some wisdom in the saying for there are events in life that are best left behind in our past. But, just as a better response to another saying, “practice make perfect” is “perfect practice makes perfect,” I believe that over time, your continual proper response to each grief wave will bring healing as you learn new life skills to manage grief and to use those events of the past to your advantage. You will also discover that as you respond in a healthy manner that the intensity of the waves will diminish. The initial waves will knock you down like a tsunami. But, was you learn to lean on the Lord and to respond Biblically, you will reduce the impact of the waves dramatically until you render them meaningless.

Second, if you want to stand you must acknowledge the stage you are experiencing and act accordingly. For example, when you are angry then allow yourself to be angry. But, as the Bible says, “in your anger do not sin.” You might be tempted to feel guilty for being angry and that will only accentuate the problem. Acknowledge the anger instead, share your feelings with

your counselor or those in your inner circle, and seek to respond Biblically. Any attempt to ignore or denial the stage you are in will only increase the difficulty.

Third, your attempts to dull the pain, reduce the pain, or ignore that pain may bring an immediate relief but the pain will return and will do so exponentially. You can go all over town and speak badly of the one who hurt you and feel good about yourself while you do it. But, that will not bring healing to your pain or revenge to the one who hurt you. You can fill your life will activity and even sensual pleasures but in doing so you will create only more problems. The pain will return and will increased intensity. The best response is to address your pain directly and properly. In the short term it will seem to bring great pain but it will be a significant step towards healing.

Four, if you seek to address your grief stage in a healthy manner, a Biblical manner, then you will discover that in God’s time the season will change and you will be open to God’s healing. When we turn our hearts to the Lord in our season of brokenness then we open a door for Him to enter and allow His strength to comfort and guide us in our weakness. You were punched in the mouth by life and are now in a season of weakness. This is the exact moment that you must hold strong to your relationship with Jesus Christ and allow Him to take control. The Apostle Paul did this and wrote, “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (II Corinthians 12:10). You will discover that the Lord will be your strength. As you draw closer to the Lord in your weakness, you will discover that you will give His strength. This positions you to build a new foundation of strength and hope for a clear and bright future.

If you want to stand one day soon then you must allow yourself a season of grieving the wrong done to you. You cannot walk away unscathed. You must address the pain, dig deeply into your heat and mind, and seek to learn to rebuild in a manner that honors Christ. When you do, you will be standing and living as an overcomer.

 

#7 Mourn

It is natural that mourning will follow grief. To me, mourning is an outward adjustment to a traumatic loss. It is passionate grief that cannot be hidden. When you mourn you are expressing outwardly your inner grieving. Such a public expression will allow your friends and co-workers to know your situation and to respond in a manner that is appropriate, at least culturally. For example, when you suffer the death of a loved one, your public mourning will be a signal to your co-workers that you are not at your best, that your work may decline for a season, and that you will need time away from work to deal appropriately with your loss.

While we each may mourn in different ways and for varied lengths of time, it is important to your spiritual, emotional, and even physical health to grieve and to mourn. Most importantly, you must remember that God sees you in these times and He has not forgotten you. In fact, it is in these moments that you will discover His presence will be strongest in your heart.

I find it odd that a frequent response by one who was abandoned in a relationship is to enter into a new relationship as if to show the world that all is well and that life goes on without hesitation. In reality, what is needed is a time to withdrawal for introspection and time with the Lord for healing and instruction. Jumping into a new relationship or life situation before one is emotionally and spiritually prepared can often create new problems and highlight weaknesses. This can be unsettling for your children as well. They need time to mourn and to express their feelings over the relationship loss. Bringing a new person into the family prematurely can cause children to withdraw and feel even more anger over the situation.

I feel it important that you express your feelings of mourning only to your inner circle of friends. Others can know that you are mourning but they do not need to be subjected to hearing the details of what is going on in your heart and life. The Lord will bring people into your life

who can walk with you through this season. But, please note that not everyone can do this. Be willing to forgive your friends who cannot walk with you as they may not be equipped emotionally or spiritually to be of assistance. While they may not interact with you on a regular basis, they will continue to pray God’s blessing for you and be there when you move to a new season of life.

You are the only one who can know how long you should mourn. A general rule is that the deeper the loss, the longer the mourning period. Mourning is a season you must experience but it is not where you will live the rest of your life. Like grieving, you must mourn as part of your recovery but at some point you must accept the situation, allow the Lord to bring healing, and move forward with your life. The constant pain you feel in your heart will lessen. You will eventually exhale and breathe again. The Lord will help you rebuild.

 

#8 Wail

Society in first world nations no longer allow for mourners to wail publically unless they are at a funeral service. But, wailing is a vital step in your recovery process. Wailing, to me, is an audible expression of one’s grief and mourning. There is therapeutic value in vocalizing the pain in your heart.

You many not have a personality that is demonstrative publically. That is not a problem. But, even you must allow yourself time to express completely your pain and to give the entirety of it to God. When you are in your private time before the Lord, you are allowed to shout, to cry, to sob, to moan; whatever you want. God is big enough to handle your raw emotions and even your raw language. The point is for you to be open before God and to pour the entirety of your being before Him. Let it all out before God and do not hold back!

Those who wailed in Biblical times sobbed openly, tore their clothes, wore sackcloth and ashes, fasted, and sometimes even cut their beards. This was an outward express of their inner pain. The benefit was that the one doing the wailing was able to deal completely with the inner turmoil.

As was stated with previous behaviors, your emotions will be expressed one way or another and so it is best to do so when you have self-control rather than to allow your emotions to spew onto others in inappropriate ways and times.

So, go ahead and wail! Tell God how you really feel! But when you are done doing so, do not remain in that stage. Once your expression is complete, even to the point of exhaustion, get up, wash yourself, and in all sincerity declare “May the name of the Lord be praised” and pray, “not my will, but your will be done O Lord.”

 

#9 Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.

Recently, I witnessed a man respond to a loss of relationship by acting as if he had recovered completely and in a short period of time. He was acting like “a man” and “a man cuts his losses and moves forward.” My heart was saddened for him because he was far from being healed but seemed to be in denial. I prayed that he would allow himself to find strength in the Lord.

Take seriously what happened to you. Your attempts to ignore the offense against you, to pretend that it did not bother you, or to deny that it happened will only accentuate the pain. You will respond to the pain eventually and, if you are not careful, you may divert your anger onto someone undeserving of your attacks and do collateral damage to innocent people and loved ones. Instead, you must acknowledge the pain, go through the healing process, and get on the road to recovery.

Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” There is even “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (v6). You are in a season where it is time to mourn and to be in gloom. Take this season seriously and act Biblically.

 

#10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

If you empty yourself and give the entirety of your being over to the Lord you will discover that He is faithful and He will life you up in due time. The longer that you fight your pain, fight your offender, and even blame God, then the longer you will live under the cloud of defeat. The sooner that you humble yourself completely then the sooner you will be to allowing the healing hand of the Holy Spirit to penetrate to the core of your being and to recreate you into the person that He destined you to be.

You have been hurt and possibly broken. But, you have the responsibility and the ability to respond. The more that you attempt to rebuild on your own, the more you will flounder in weakness. However, the more that you humble yourself before the Lord and follow diligently after Him, then the more you will rebuild and be on the road to recover. This is your choice and your choice alone.

 

#11 Brothers, do not slander one another.

We discussed this already but it must be mentioned again. It will not benefit you in the long term, it does not endear you to your friends, and it does not honor to the Lord to slander, berate, denigrate, or demean your offender to others. Yes, you can express your honest feelings to those in your inner circle and that is appropriate for a time. But, slandering your offender

before others will cause further pain and division and is not becoming of you or those you represent. There is nothing good that comes from you slandering your offender!

James’ directive is especially invaluable when applied to those in your home. Your children hear your words, feel your pain, and take your emotions personally. While you cannot change what happened to you, your response will bring either comfort and healing into your home or be like a cancer or poison. When your children take on your anger then their emotion and spiritual growth is stunted and is expressed negatively in ways such as poor self-image, lack of academic drive, and even deviate behavior. It will be you then who perpetuates life’s punch in your mouth to the next generation. It must be you who takes responsibility and declares that while life may have punched you, it will not impact your children.

If you insist on slandering your offender then you are allowing the offender to dictate your life. Your friends will go tired of hearing your constant counter-attacks and will soon avoid you altogether. Such speech is tiresome and served only to denigrate you. So, when you feel like saying something negative about your offender to others, and those feelings will be strong, you must be exhibit self-control and refuse to slander. The old adage applies: ‘if you cannot say something good about someone then say nothing.”

Once you determine to remain silent, remind yourself that the Lord knows exactly what happened and who is at fault. It is the Lord alone who will balance the scales of justice and it is He who will give each of us what we deserve. Let the Lord get your revenge. Rather than insisting on revealing the faults of your offender, turn your offender over to the Lord, and ask Him to help keep your heart pure and righteous. When you do this, you will gain a freedom that only the Lord can give. You will be tied to the past no longer and will then be positioned to move forward in victory. This is your choice and your choice alone.

The first response to being knocked down by life is to do whatever you can to ensure that you will not be knocked down again. Thankfully, the passage from James teaches you a classic defensive strategy that will protect you and make you stronger in the long run. Now, it is time to consider offensive strategy. It is time to fight back! In the coming chapters, you will learn the Apostle Paul’s strategy to winning life’s battles. He will give you ten “Victory Actions” that you can apply to your life. Are you ready to fight back? Are you ready to win?

 

 

For You To Consider

 

1. Pray Psalms 139:23-24 aloud right now.

2. List three ways that you can resist the devil in your situation.

3. What two actions must you take to turn to God?

4. What responsibility, if any, must you take for your current situation?

5. Ask the Lord to help you to gain control of your emotions and motives instead of wasting emotional energy seeking revenge.

6. Share with me what you learned about grieving from this chapter.

7. What can you do to mourn?

8. Get alone and express your emotions to God. You may want to write down your feeling in a journal. You may want to express yourself verbally. Release your feelings and then express a statement of praise to the Lord.

9. Share the three actions that show you are taking seriously your current situation.

10. Ask the Lord to take control of your heart, mind, and emotions.

11. Determine in your heart not to slander your offender.

 

Scripture for You to Pray Today: Psalms 25:20, “Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you.”

 

What is the Lord saying to you right now?